And Please Don't Cry
by totheart
Summary: Ferb believes that the best way to handle his unrequited feelings for Phineas is to leave them behind, but what will get him to see that his heart isn't the only one that's breaking. Mature themes. PhineasxFerb. Ferb's POV. Please read A/N inside.
1. Don't Cry

**Extremely IMPORTANT A/N: This fic has been posted before by me on a different account but never completed. I'm reposting it as I intend to finally complete it.**

**This fic was highly inspired by "Don't Cry" by Park Bom. Listen to it as you read, if you'd like.**

**Rated T for many adult and dark, angsty, serious themes and alcohol abuse.**

**Ferb's POV.**

**And Please Don't Cry**_  
"Sometimes, when tears come to me,_  
_ I remember our beautiful memories_  
_ I hope that you won't be hurt more,_  
_ And please don't cry"_

I hang my head, eyes falling in defeat to the key of my new flat as it lay in my palm. I finger the cool, smooth metal idly and pull the key to my current living arrangement out of my pocket. I absently compare the two, considering leaving the later behind when I leave. The memories held in that worn metal object swim around in my mind. Barely even graduated from high school, Phineas and I began getting job offers. But even odd jobs we accepted when we found the time have been enough to pay for college and an apartment. So when we first moved in, we decided to make every day an adventure. And living with Phineas Flynn, every day is most certainly an adventure.

Nostalgia clouding my thoughts, I lead to lift my head and gaze at the scene before me. I find that the bedroom Phineas and I shared for approximately two years suddenly seems so foreign. Phineas's side looks normal; knickknacks of all sorts set on shelves, colourful posters and embellishments adorning the walls, and collective oddities gathered from each adventure or milestone of his life are all arranged meticulously around a queen-sized bed fitted with teal sheets. However my side of the room is eerie, all of my belongings packed away and most of them already moved to my new apartment on the other side of the tri-state area. I stand where my four-poster bed once was, the walls around me feeling bare and lifeless.

Phineas will most likely fill this space in soon, I reason. "_I'm sure he'll find a use for the extra space."_ I think, trying to see a lighter side to this, hoping that with his infinite optimism, he can find a lighter side to this.

With a heavy sigh, I lightly pad over to Phin's side of the room, setting the worn key to this apartment on his nightstand, then gather my last suitcase as I leave my old bedroom. I make my way to the living room and sit on the couch, setting the bag on the ground beside me. I lean forward, setting my elbows on my knees for support, and lace my fingers together over my lips. I begin attempting to prepare myself for what's to come when my step-brother comes home.

Doubt sets in first, as worries start to fill my head. Perhaps I should have waited- perhaps now's not the time to do something so bold. I had begun moving this afternoon when Phineas had left for his day's classes. Tonight is his last class, so after today he'll be done for the semester. I suppose the rationalization for why today would be the optimal time is held in that he would most likely be in a great mood. But now as the reality of this situation fully sinks in, I don't think there is any good time to do this.

Now, it's in no way accurate to say that I don't like living with my brother. I revel in every moment we've spent "joined at the hip". He must be the most interesting and entertaining person to be around. And although he's often painfully oblivious, he somehow manages to understand me better than anyone else in the world. I can communicate the most complex ideas simply with a gesture or glance. For many reasons, it can be difficult for me to trust or express emotion. The walls I've built and kept around me my whole life... it didn't even feel as though they were broken down. It felt like one day, I was staring through a cold glass wall, alone- the next day, Phineas was standing beside me, holding my hand. Because of this, and so much more, I love my brother in ways that I probably shouldn't.

Surely I've not gone mad, if I were to say I believe he completes me? Only one thing is certain (and though Phineas is oblivious to many things, including my true feelings, even he understands) we are different. It's always been there- we've both felt it since childhood. I'm not entirely sure what "it" is. In fact, I might be so crazy to dream it were true love, if my brother returned my unrequited feelings.

But for Phineas, it's.. different. To explain it best, I offer a comparison: Normal brothers do not feel this way. Normal brothers aren't supposed to be so co-dependent, or be so close. They're not supposed to hold hands at age 11. They're not supposed to flirt at 12, or peck each other's cheek at 13, or make out under the sheets at bed time at 14 or 15 years old. Phineas, I suppose, never understood those things were intimate, meaningful, precious. He doesn't understand that making love to your brother is not hanging out, playing around, or some sort of game- whatever it is he thinks it is. Especially- _especially_ if your brother is so madly in love with you that he wakes up every morning afterward feeling abused, dirty, and used, like it's some one-night stand. Because that's always how I feel, when the next morning he just smiles at me or comments on how fun it was, calling me "bro", and leaving.

It would be an understatement to say that I realized too late that it all meant nothing to him, but everything to me. But I never stopped. I couldn't stop. As very cliché as it sounds, I honestly do just love him too much. And I don't think I would blame him, if I could. He just doesn't see it the way I do, and I can't blame him for not noticing when I hide my true feelings so well. From the jealously that threatens to take me when I see him speaking with a girl to the way it feels as though something as heavy as an anchor crushes my chest when he tells me he loves me as a brother, all of it's worth it just to silently bear it all. I've always done anything I could just to make him happy. So even if I did tell him how I feel, I could lose what we do have forever.

This is all holding both of us back. I believe because of my feelings, I hold him back, and I just know that things will only get worse. Staying here... eventually, things won't be pretty. I know he very well may put up some sort of fight. I'm not exactly sure what to expect though. This isn't a problem that he and his optimism can solve. This is going to happen, and he won't be happy at all. He loves me, we're brothers, best friends, we've never been apart. But I have to do this.

_"This is for the best."_ I tell myself once again, trying my hardest to completely believe it.

My breath catches in my throat and I tense up as I hear the lock shifting. I manage a calm breath before standing, luggage in hand, and taking a few short steps around the couch just as Phineas open the door. At the sight of me, his face lights up instantly, and greets me with a cheerful, "Hey Ferbooch!"

Walking a few strides in my direction, he continues, "Whoa, it's dark. Couldn't you see anything?" as he flips a switch on. Light casts across the room, illuminating us both, including my suitcase. Gaze bouncing down to the bag in my hand, then back to my own, confusion quickly makes itself known across his brow. "Um. Going somewhere, Ferb?"

I reply by breaking eye contract to fixate on something on the floor, while holding a finger up pointing to our bedroom. Out of my peripheral vision, I see a questioning look shot from the door of the room, then back to me briefly, before he turns to walk into the room completely. I wait for a second, waiting for.. well, something. But seconds tick by, and no movement or sound come from the other side of the ajar door. Becoming increasingly worried, I hastily make my way over to the bedroom.

When I walk in, I stop at the doorway. Phineas is just standing, staring, taking the empty side of the room in. Not showing much emotion on his face, I decide to wait until he's ready to continue. But after my presence was made known, I didn't have to wait long before he slowly turns his body toward me. Tearing his eyes away from the empty space, a hard stare scans my own face for emotion. He looks at me, almost accusingly, before he asks a question that we both know the answer to.

"You're leaving?"

I straighten up my stance, holding my suitcase a little higher as a response, my face blank so as not to give away any emotion. Phineas opens his mouth, then closes it, trying to take in the situation and the shock.

The serious face was replaced by confusion and slight anger with a resounding "What?"

Eyes locked, I break away, unable to answer. I close my eyes, looking away for a few moments, until he steps toward me a couple paces. Seeing what was about to come, I returned staring at the carpet, keeping my face void of response, and preparing my ears for the onslaught.

"What the hell, Ferb? You can't.. I mean- just what the hell? You're leaving. Seriously? What for? Why?"

I glance up to check his reaction after the cluster of half sentences finished falling from his lips. I'd be lying if I said the sight of a truly angry Phineas Flynn wasn't intimidating, being how rare the sight was. But I could tell he wasn't done. After it became clear I wasn't going to respond, he became even angrier.

Nostrils flaring, my shorter step-brother found a firm grip on my shoulder, and demanded, "Why?" We stared at each other for a while, his anger boring into me while I remained stony and unresponsive. Phineas was searching my eyes and body language, trying to read my emotions or thoughts. Losing his patience from apparently not finding much, he released my shoulder, turning away to pace back and forth in front of me.

"Ferb. We've been together since we were babies. You can't just go- you're my brother, Ferb. I love you."

Using words I usually give into, I realize he's still fighting to solve this problem. I sigh in my mind, wishing that for once, he would just give up on a problem he can't solve. He stops pacing for a moment to gauge my reaction. I return the gesture with a hard and glassy stare. Finally, I can see weakness creeping into his system. But as his body language progressively becomes that of a true, sad, hurt Phineas Flynn, I realize the worst part has yet to come.

"You've always had me." He begins in a quiet, sincere tone. " 'Phineas and Ferb'. We're always together. Because I always had you. And you always had me. I thought.. No, we _do_ have something, Ferb. You know it. We have a connection. And.. And.."

"..Now I've got to let you go." I say, my face slightly breaking from its stoic expression, as I look on with a brief look of sympathy.

Phineas's gaze soon turns to a watery one, as tears brim in his eyes. I try to not give away any more sentiment as I step forward and place an affectionate hand on the top of his head. He turns his face too look up at mine as tears peak and trail down to his chin. I feel a hard pang in my heart, as I move my hand down to his cheeks, wiping away the tear streaks with my thumb.

"It's okay, Phineas. Please don't cry."

I offer a sad grin and pull him into a warm hug, hoping the pounding of my heart isn't as loud to him as it is to me. Emotionless mask back in place, I bury my nose at the top of his head, inhaling his scent, unsure of when I would ever allow myself this temptation. Phineas let go of holding back, sobbing into my shirt. Even though I didn't exactly give him all that much information as to why I was doing this, I figure he gathered enough to know I was serious and that I won't be coming back. It went unspoken of when we would even see each other again, so we both made the best of this moment.

A car horn sounds from the street. I recall calling a cab to pick me up at a specific time. I check my wrist watch, and it's right on time. I pull away from Phineas, reaching into my jacket pocket for the address of my new flat. I place it in Phineas's hand, as he appears to be drained, pale from crying and the emotional stress. He stared at me weakly, tears still streaming down his cheeks. I pulled him back into me one last time, kissing his forehead, before pulling away and turning to leave.

Refusing to look back, I ride the lift down to the bottom floor, where the taxi outside waits. I climb in, heaving a breath, when as we started to take off, I turn around without even thinking. There, on the curb, was an out of breath Phineas, who must have taken the stairs to try and catch up. He stands with tears still pouring down his cheeks, breathing heavily, and staring in loss as I speed away.

I pull myself around to face forward, as I let my mask fall to pieces. Pain was clear across my face, evident as even the cab driver asked if I was alright. I placed my hands in my pockets and took another breath- until I felt two keys. The one for my new apartment.. and my old one from Phineas's?

It felt little hard to breathe, as I realized Phineas must have noticed the old key I sat on his nightstand, took it, and slipped it back in my pocket. Feeling something else in my pocket, I reach in and pull out a small balled up piece of paper. I carefully unravel the piece, and suddenly something griped my heart in such a hold I thought it'd burst.

_'You've always had me'_ was scribbled on the inside in Phineas's handwriting. I hold the two objects that Phineas had slipped me close, my breathing becoming ragged.

"Please don't cry." I shakily exhaled. But I wasn't sure who I was talking to, until tear drops began landing on the crumpled note in my trembling hand.

_"Here is the end for the both of us,_  
_ And until the world would allow our love then,_  
_ It's okay baby please don't cry,_  
_ This long journey is about to end._  
_ But someday, we will meet again,_  
_ In the next life, we will see each other again"_


	2. Love Love Love

**A/N: The song is "Love Love Love" by F.T. Island  
Ferb's POV. Set weeks after chapter 1. **

**Love Love Love**_  
__"Good bye, my love love love  
Fare well, my love love love  
Even though my tears filling up soak my whole body,  
Now good bye good bye good bye  
Please be happy after leaving me  
Step by step, you are getting farther away from me"_

I grip the key to Phineas's apartment for what must be the millionth time, the cool, familiar weight in my hand being my only comfort and anchor to the relentless thoughts circulating around my mind. I turn the precious metal around in my sweaty palms, glancing anxiously at my phone yet again.

No new messages.

I close my eyes solemnly for a moment with a sigh, before redirecting my attention to my bedroom window. The rain outside seems to reflect my current state: broody and chaotic like the storm taking place in the depths of my subconscious. Distant thunder and windswept pitter-patter are the only noises to fill my whole flat. The echoing sounds reiterating through each room are just another reminder of how uncomfortable the feel is here. It seems no matter how satisfied I am with my housing, I feel something missing- it feels empty. And to be honest, I feel empty.

For weeks, all I've had is the overcast skies, sporadic rain, and this damned key close at hand to keep me company. Well that and the occasional call from Dad and Mum. They've been worried, albeit with good reason. It was the first time it occurred to me that Phineas and I weren't the only ones affected by my moving. To clarify all the questions (primarily "Why?"), I explained that sharing an apartment with my step-brother had gotten crowded, if not disagreeable. Although not my actual reason, it was still somewhat true.

That wasn't their exact worry, however. Apparently, Phineas is and has been very depressed. When they've tried to phone him, they say he's very quiet and disheartened, as though he's feeble or demure- which is of course, very out of character for him.

"We don't blame _you_, son." Dad had tried to illustrate. Not that I believe him. I know they must blame me almost as much as I blame myself. It is my fault, after all. That fact has weighed heavily on me these few weeks, making me feel as though I carry an eternity's worth of guilt.

I love my step-brother. I never intended to hurt him like this. And I've tried my hardest to convey this to him. I'm sure I've filled up his answering machine with dozens of messages. Yet I fear they all have fallen on deaf ears, since he refuses to respond to any sort of communication I attempt to establish. No calls, texts, emails, letters... he's been ignoring me completely since the night I left. However, I can't say I don't understand. I know he feels abandoned. _"Because you did abandon him." _is the thought that passes through my mind. I physically shake my head, trying to rid the conclusion from this assessment. Phineas has always had trouble with abandonment. It's something we tried not to talk about often, but the loss of a father in the Flynn family had left them all scarred. It's something I didn't think about at the time, or I just tried to push it out of my mind, but in leaving I believe I have re-opened those old wounds. Perhaps I even left a few new ones.

If it would make him happy, I would leave him alone. I would take this silence as an invitation to stay out of his life forever. Who knows, maybe that would be best. But I just can't- not just now. I can't leave him to bear this pain and loneliness. Knowing what a mess he must be, and knowing I did it to him kills me. If only I could just mend what I've broken before he turns his back on me forever... that's all I can ask. It's probably so selfish of me, that I can justify seeing him again by some hope that it's what he needs.

I unclench my fist, unaware I had been gripping it tight enough to turn my knuckles white. I give the metallic object a hard stare. This small key holds in itself so many memories. And even as Phineas takes these steps away from me, leaving me behind, I can't let go. Not yet. Standing up after having made up my mind, my eyes linger a while longer outside to the rain. At this moment, the droplets seem to represent the tears I will not let fall. I snatch my phone, and begin dialing for a cab as I stride out my door, not even bothering to pick up a jacket.

-_  
__"Rain soaks my whole body  
I struggle to lift my head again and look at the sky  
Rain drops falling into my eyes replace the tears  
that I've been holding back again and again  
thinking of you"  
_-

I take a few deep breaths, attempting to calm my feverish nerves as I stare thoughtfully at the door before me. I shiver, my damp clothes making me feel as cold and unmovable as stone. I begin doubting myself, realizing this unexpected visit to Phineas will probably not go very well. I'm unsure of how Phineas will act in his vulnerable state. Moreover, I'm not sure how I'll act. With all my recent sensitivity to emotion, I don't know if I can control my actions any longer, depending on what may happen beyond this door. To sum it up, I'm not certain of anything right now.

Knowing I'm prone to having doubts at the last second, I've devised a way to handle my reluctance- I combat the doubts externally. Taking one last cautious breath, I push all of the previous thoughts out of my head, jam the key into the lock, and push the door open without so much as a knock. As I step into the room and close the door behind me, I mentally prepare myself for whatever I may find. I continue into the living room, my eyes darting around the area. They pause briefly to settle on the storm outside, and I'm reminded of my damp state. But I pull my eyes away just in time to catch the sight of Phineas emerging from his room with a confused and annoyed look, casting said gaze at the front door.

Before he shifts his sights to me, I have a moment to fully take in the sight of my step-brother. When I do, I feel my heart grow heavier. He's wearing an orange hoody that hangs off his tiny frame and blue pajama pants that seem a bit loose around the waist. Mind lingering on his wrinkled attire, I realize he's lost weight. His ginger hair sticks up in varying directions yet it falls far enough across his eyes to indicate the need for an overdue haircut. And as I gape at his disheveled state, his face is what causes my breathing to falter. His skin is as pale as the moon, almost to a sickly degree. His nostrils flare, reddened from irritation. Finally, his eyes are slightly blood-shot and the bangs under his eyes are puffy.

I don't have time to digest any more because as soon as our eyes connect, he doesn't skip a beat before turning around and making a break for his bedroom door. My feet sprint to catch up and realization dawns on his intent- he's about to slam the door to lock me out. The childish action seems laughable, until I find my foot jammed between door and frame with all of Phineas's weight crushing against me. I instinctively begin pushing back against him, unwilling to relinquish the territory this barrier hides.

Being larger and taller than Phineas, I've always been stronger. Therefore when Phineas finally gives up, with a ear-piercing "Goddammit, Ferb!", I'm only surprised at his unusually harsh language and the immature way he proceeds to turn away from me on his heel and cross his arms, undoubtedly pouting. The moment I'm about to give myself for a small grin of gratification is cut by the way my face falls upon seeing our old bedroom in exactly the same condition I'd left it almost a month ago. Stepping inside to get a better view, I feel my stomach drop. My mouth hangs open marginally, as I try to comprehend why my step-brother's room is untouched.

My brows knitting together in worry, I tear my eyes away from the walls and turn my attention back to Phineas. I slowly make my way over to stand at a small distance before stretching out to settle my hand on his shoulder, hoping to convey my thoughts in one touch. I can almost gasp when he violently shrugs way my hand, taking a step out of my reach. Annoyance and hurt wash over me and I step within range once again, trying to communicate by carefully placing both of my palms on each of his shoulders. I'm able to size up his small frame and recognize how bony he's gotten just before he turns around sharply, slapping my hands away from him detestably. He follows by glaring up at me, eyes full of so much bitter melancholy and spite that I can't help but think _"If these fiery cobalt eyes don't strike me down, it will be a pity, because I'd be better off dead about now."_

"Don't touch me." he spits out, as though it's such an awful taste, he could have gagged.

I could feel myself bleeding resolve and self-control out of the wound he just dealt. I feel like I could either crumble to my knees or tower over any destruction left in my wake. The stench of betrayal reeks off the tension in the air, its source being the sneer I force myself to return as a mere gaze. I absorb the anguish being shot at me, and endure the reaction to crumble instead of 'tower.' I feel my breath hitch, and a rain droplet falls from my hair and down my cheek, where a tear would have gladly taken the place if I weren't holding it back. Hopelessly, I reach a near-trembling hand out to caress his slightly flushed cheek-

I'm knocked a few steps backwards by blow to my cheek bone. As the initial shock washes over me a few times, I remain slightly hunched over with my arms hanging limply at my sides. I was definitely not expecting that.

My feet hold my stance unbalanced yet they remain firmly planted on the ground and spread a ways apart to keep my long legs from buckling. My hair falls loosely over my downcast eyes, my highlights reflecting an almost emerald hue in the light. My eyes remain wavering over the carpet around my feet and I give a hard stare at my 10-eye white Dr. Martens, my dark purple skinny jeans, the chain hanging from my belt, anything that's not in the upwards direction.

I remain frozen for a while, until I feel something drip down my face. I dismiss it as another rain drop, until it drips off my chin and onto the tip of my boot. I reach up quickly, wiping my hand against the bruise I feel forming on my cheek and survey the bloody smears it left across my fingers. Straightening up, I shift a look from the my blood to Phineas, who is cradling the fist he punched me with. The thought that his injury from hitting me is enough does not run thought my mind. If someone ever said Ferb Fletcher remained his cool-headed self even when provoked, they were dead wrong. It takes a lot to make me angry, but once I'm angry, I don't handle it well.

Something snaps- from the pain, from the emotional roller coaster, from this whole fucking situation- and I find myself charging at Phineas with long strides, gripping his shoulders much harder than before, and continuing to shove him into a wall. The breath is knocked out of him for a moment, no doubt as shocked as I was earlier. My fingers are fisted in his hoody as he hangs his head trying to bring his breathing back to normal. I try to do the same, as I begin to gather my bearings. But before I can calm down enough to reason this out, I'm tackled to the ground as Phineas initiates a wrestling match.

Though neither of us were ever violent boys, wrestling was something we did for fun. Getting down and dirty and play-fighting is normal for most boys and we were no exception. Now, we begin falling back into how we would play back then. We're rolling around on Phineas's bedroom floor, each of us struggling to pin the other. And though things were serious not a few minutes ago, being so engaged and doing something that was once so natural to us both is making the atmosphere so much clearer. Being wrapped in a test of my strength and endurance versus Phineas's actually makes me feel so much closer to him, like we used to me. As I start to flip Phineas's body off of me, I join him in giggling.

Is it not just unfathomable how love makes you like this? Phineas can make me almost literally insane one minute, and the happiest person in the world the next. I mean, I could go on and on, but I already know all of this. I suppose that's yet another reason it's ignorant to think we could ever be together; Phineas deserves someone that can handle each other, through best and worst. That.. that's not me. Not that he would ever love me anyway, more than a brother. I don't know why I bother to entertain these types of notions. The closest we ever get to more than brotherly-love is.. is well, this.

'This', of course, by which I mean my current predicament. I'm pinning Phineas to his floor, sitting on his hips, and holding his wrists above his head. Everything is frozen again, like time's at a stand-still. He finally gave in, me having pinned him too well or him simply tiring out. I honestly don't care to think about that right now. Or anything else. I don't know of I could right now. All I can think about is me, hovering above my step-brother, both of us trying to catch our breath. I vaguely recall in the back of my mind why after we hit puberty, we only wrestled in our room.

My breath is mingling with his, and for the first time in a long time, I can observe Phineas from so close. The finer details of Phineas Flynn are the ones I hold dearest. I remember adoring the way the bridge of his nose and cheek bones are lightly dusted with freckles. As he would lay asleep next to me, curled into my chest, I would try to gingerly kiss each one. My eyes travel down to his slightly parted pink lips, and I can remember how they tasted as they travel back up to his cheeks, which are currently very flushed. He's beautiful. And I find my face inching closer and closer to his.

Then suddenly, as I breathe in his scent and swallow each of his ragged pants, our lips almost touch.. before something snaps. Vivid flashbacks wash over my mind, saturating all other thoughts and it's too much. The countless times before, Phineas- sweat plastering his hair to his forehead- breaths coming out uneven, panting- cheeks blushing- lips swollen, red, bruised, parted- giving me flustered, misty-eyed looks as he moaned and dug his nails into my back, writhing below me-

I lurch off of him, backing away a few feet. I turn away trying desperately to catch my breath and rid my mind of these awful images. I stagger to the window pane of his bedroom, pressing my forehead again the cold glass as if the cool sensation were enough to make me forget. I grasp the window sill with both hands at an attempt to stop my trembling fingers and stare out into the colourless skies and rain. Droplets fall against the glass on the other side my face, giving a valiant effort at making contact.

Those memories may well be the death of me. And Phineas.. he was being sucked in as well. It's all too easy to fall back into that routine with him. It's as though when I'm near him, my senses are set ablaze and my inhibitions put on hold.

_"I honest can't control myself near him,"_ I think, releasing a quiet sigh that becomes strangled in my throat, coming out as something akin to a sob.

As I continue to sulk and feed myself dejected speeches, I barely register the sounds of Phineas getting up behind me and walking off. It takes a minute for me to realize, but as soon as I do, I can't help but wonder if he would come back or not. Waiting for any sounds of the flat's door opening or closing to signal his exit, I'm tolerably surprised to hear him return to the bedroom.

When I turn to glance at him, I'm met with his outstretched palm, reaching for and gently taking hold of my arm. His eyes are downcast and I can't get a word in before I'm pulled hesitantly into the living room and am plopped onto the sofa. He releases my arm only to grab my hand and place an icy object in it.

"It... It's for your cheek. I can already see a bruise forming." He utters slowly and cautiously, voice barely above a whisper as he sits awkwardly by my side. I look down to the ice pack, back to his eyes that still refuse to meet mine, then I simply nod before holding it to my cheek.

Silence fills the room as seconds tick by, slowly turning to minutes.

"I'm sorry, Ferb." Phineas breaks the silence after what was almost 10 minutes. I turn to face him, relieved he is finally ready to engage me, until I catch sight of a lone tear trailing down his cheek. I, too, feel overwhelmed at what's turned out to be such an emotional roller coaster. Sighing, I settle on simply allowing my lids to slip closed as I pull my step-brother into a warm embrace. We stay like this for a while, Phineas's face buried in my shoulder, until I hear a soft hiccup followed by a small, broken voice that does not suit him.

"H-How did we_- hiccup-_ come to this?"

Unsure of how to answer, I shake my head slowly. More silence, until he pulls away enough to glance up at me quickly before looking away again.

"I still down understand why you moved away. If it was because of me, the-then I'm sorry." he paused for a moment, looking very grim. "But I know I can't change your mind." he took a shaky breath before continuing. "If you love something, let it go right?" he paused again, as if waiting for confirmation. He nodded his head a little, "So.. so maybe we could both be _happy_ now."

He finally looks to me and holds my gaze. I simply plaster on a facade, smiling before pulling him into another hug. But the last sentence he said plays over and over again in my mind and I feel myself stung more each time by those words. It takes a few seconds, digesting each syllable, playing out the possible meanings to the comment, but I come to a solid conclusion.

Phineas is happier without me.

Why didn't I see it? Sure, he went though the initial shock of not having the one person who he counted on suddenly gone. He was just unstable. But he must see now that he is better off. I smile honestly, knowing that I'm making my most cherished person happy, as I try to push away the agonizing pain delving deeper and deeper into my chest.

I conclude this may be the last time we see each other as well. Thinking, _"If this will be it, I'll make it last."_ I pull Phineas into a tighter hug and begin carefully pulling him downwards until we both relax against the cushions at our backs. I stretch out as he wiggles to get comfortable, smiles contently, and snuggles in close. I try to control my breathing and collect myself, but soon the even breathing coming from beside me lulls me to slumber as well.

_"I didn't know love because my heart is cold,  
Thank you, really. I now understand that this is what love is,_

_My heart stops. My breath stops. You are leaving me._

_Good bye, my love love love  
Fare well, my love love love  
Even though my filling up tears soak my whole body,  
Now good bye good bye good bye  
Please be happy after leaving me  
Step by step, you are getting farther away from me"_

**A/N: So this is in the point of view of Ferb. Therefore, I can only portray what Ferb sees and feels and thinks. Ferb is a logical guy. He makes assumptions to the best of his knowledge, even if it's not entirely accurate. He's also sort of pessimistic, but I mean, who wouldn't be in his situation. So his judgment is clouded. He sees no chance of Phineas loving him back, so anywhere there could be even a "maybe" is shot down in his mind.  
Phineas has yet to realize any of this or voice his real feelings. So Ferb assumes things.**


	3. 화살 (Quasimodo)

**A/N: The song is "화살 (Quasimodo)"* by SHINee  
*******_About the song: "_화살_" translates to "Arrow" and Quasimodo is the hunchback from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" so in this chapter, Ferb feels very much like Quasimodo; just watching and loving from afar, unable to do anything else._**  
Ferb's POV. **

**Quasimodo  
**_"Even if I can't have you  
In the end, even when my heart is blocked  
By the wall of sad connection  
I love you, if it's a place  
where I can just watch you  
Because you're my everything"_**  
**

Surprisingly, the fact that the object of my affection is curled almost completely on top of me and snuggling into my chest is not the primary realization to run through my mind as I slowly wake up. At first, I remain very much confused. I try to gather my bearings and open my eyes, only to be met with a bright, blurry setting that is clearly not usual for me and yet is strangely familiar. I attempt to power through a growing headache to recall what had led me to my current situation, in hopes of figuring out what precisely _is_ my situation. In strides, I begin to recall the events of last night.

Realization hits me as if I've been hit in the chest my a brick. Or perhaps it's the fact that I've had a person lying on my chest for hours and I'm just now aware.

I blink rapidly a few times in disbelief, trying to make sure I'm not still dreaming. Phineas lies with his head resting on one side of my chest with an arm slung across the rest of it, hugging me. The rest of his body is partially resting over mine except for our legs which seem to be in a mess, all tangled together. I almost blush at how innocent and unaware he is of our awkward arrangement and how his breath ghosts over my skin evenly as curly lashes pull his eyelids closed. Pink lips are pulled thin in contentment and the bags under his eyes are barely noticeable. I bite my lip as if to quell the fluttering in my heart. At this very moment, there is no place I'd rather be.

However, that's is much too selfish of a thought. I should be thankful; Phineas offers so much love, compassion, and so much of himself. Yet here I am, all I can sum to be is covetous. Even with all that he gives so freely, I would ask and desire for more. I'm not worthy of the sort of love I long for. The flutter previously dancing about in my chest is unhurriedly replaced by an almost dull pain. I suppose he will be happier without someone like me in his life.

With that thought, I begin to feel very uncomfortable. My chest clenches and... and I need to get out of here. I have to leave. Acute panick enters my mind and I slowly start grasping at Phineas, trying to pry him off of me. In my haste, I must have been too rough, as Phineas stirs. I freeze in my hope that I haven't woken him. Said hope was quickly dashed as Phineas leisurely opens his eyes, blinks, and locks his gaze to mine. My hitches as I feel trapped, bound by the surveillance. The corner of his mouth twitches upwards and into a sloppy grin and eyes drop to a half-lidded state.

"Morning." he breathes as the only sort of warning for his next actions. In the same movement, he leans up to plant a lazy, sweet kiss on my lips before sinking back into blissful slumber. I, however, do not fair so well as I had all but stopped breathing. I'm nearly taken aback, unable to control my reaction.

That... That was the first time he'd ever kissed me after waking up together. In the past, he would simply smile and act as though it were nothing, as if nothing had happened. Even though nothing sexual had transpired last night, the feeling of receiving this sort of attention is overwhelming in a bittersweet sort of way.

Regaining my composer, I begin sliding out from under him, albeit much more careful this time. When I'm free, I stand watchful over Phineas for some time. I had managed not to wake him again, and now seeing his whole form curling up, defenseless and ethereal, makes my chest swell protectively. To protect him and to make him happy is all I've thought of since we were children, and those aspirations have not died out. With a sense of new-found determination and elation, I willingly fall back into the routine of caring for my younger counterpart and make my way to the kitchen. The clatter of pans and kitchen supplies pour from my dwelling, caused by my effortless and practiced actions. Soon following, the aroma of the warm, appetizing breakfast being prepared fills the air; this does not go unnoticed by my step-brother.

Phineas pads lightly into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing an eye sleepily. I fight the urge to grin at such a cute action. Instead, he grins and closes his eyes briefly while wrinkling his nose as he sniffs as if to revel in the scent. When they open, his eyes nearly twinkle.

"Chocolate chip pancakes?"

This time, I allow a small grin to grace my features; his excitement is infectious. Taking my amusement as an invitation, he sits in a chair I've had pulled out in front of a table set. I turn to serve the completed meal only to find him already holding his utensils in enthusiasm. Phineas nearly has the food in his mouth before it's set on my table. Bemused by his delight, I try to simply focus on cleaning the dishes I had used. Out of the corner of my eye, I can still see him chewing happily. As I've almost finished my task, he stares into space thoughtfully for a moment before shifting a puzzled look to me.

"Aren't you eating, Ferbooch?"

For some reason, the question perplexes me. I had only prepared breakfast for Phineas. Slowly, I realize I had never meant to stay; the thought processes from earlier this morning crash through the giddy delirium that being near Phineas gives me. Anguish, or maybe it's simply reality, curls back into my mind like a fog. I quickly finish cleaning and turn to face him, making a jabbing motion towards the door.

"Plans? Oh, okay." He pauses before meeting my eyes and continuing much quieter, "Thank you. I love you."

The pure honesty in which those words were spoken with causes a harrowing, sharp pain to shoot trough my chest so excruciatingly that instantly I feel nauseous. I paste on a smiling facade and turn to make towards the door before the room begins spinning any worse. As I'm almost to the door, I hear Phineas spring from his seat with force, before chasing after me. I sense him a few feet behind me and I rest my hand on my knob of the door. After a moment of silence, I turn to face him. He counters with a look of concern.

"At least you stopped this time.."

The remark sounds colder to me than I think he intended it to be. He is of course referring to the last time I left this apartment, and left him behind in tears, a victim to loneliness.

I wince at the memory, the pain in my chest becoming nearly unbearable. His voice calls me back to the present, softly asking, "When will I see you again?"

I swallow hard at the delicate question. Unsure of what to say and feeling the pressing need to simply flee from the apartment, I reply, "I'll phone you." before turning to hide my grimace and making a timely escape.

-  
_"Oh, I can't tell you about me_  
_ Who wants to reach your heart_  
_ Like the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds_  
_ I love you, in the end, this painful confession_  
_ That lingers at the edge of my lips slide down in tears"_  
-

There's a cool wind leftover from the rain causing an occasional shiver to travel down my torso. My lanky legs carry me over rain puddles decorating the sidewalks but I don't pay them any mind; instead I'm lost in thought. This morning's encounter, before I bolted into these steets, plays over and over in my mind. I now realize he's still hurting. Hell, I provoked him to attack me yesterday- never in my years of knowing him have I seen such a display. I'd like to believe the only reason for me visiting him was to make things right, but I can no longer deny the fact that I should leave him be. Seeing me again must have been like adding salt to his festering wounds.

I'm reminded of and gingerly place a hand over my bruised cheek. My mind goes hazy and I'm filled with the self-destructive notion that I'm fond of the blemish, being that it is the only tangible connection to Phineas I have at the moment. I scoff- almost choking- at my own self-pity. Phineas would be so much better off without me in his life.

Sinking deeper into my heavily weighted thoughts, I continue to wonder aimlessly, content with simply headed away from Phineas and the source of our heartaches. Yet the more I tread, the more my legs wobble in protest as a steady indication of me clearly loosing control of them. I breathe a shaky sigh of defeat. I find myself slinking into a nearby coffee shop, rationalizing it would do me good to have something to clear my head.

I manage to order a coffee, black, before I almost collapse into a table at the back. I prop my elbows on the table and my hands cup my face. _"Breathe"_ I tell myself repeatedly and I try to calm down, pushing all other thoughts away. _"Just inhale... exhale."_

As I reopen my eyes, a take a few sips of my steaming cup. Instantly, my senses jolt at the liquid that is as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a double-edged sword; I halfheartedly grin at the sensation. By the time my cup is half empty, I'm feeling more grounded, although I decide against leaving until it's completely empty. However, just as I'm resigning myself to this seat, I spot an attractive brunette heading my way, the heels of her black boots leaving a distinctive 'clack' in her wake.

"Ferb?" Vanessa beams as she takes a seat across from me. "How've you been? I haven't seen you in months!"

A grin tugs at one corner of my mouth as I gesture a 'hello.'

"Still a man of few words, I see." she smirks. I respond with a look akin to an annoyed glare, to which I receive a chuckle. "Sorry," she starts, amused, "I know that phrase bugs you."

My lack of a response ques her to continue with very one-sided small talk and eventually I'm up-to-date on everything going on in her life. I nod, and try very much to listen, seeing as I consider Vanessa my dearest friend (excluding Phineas, of course). I grew to accept this years ago, based on how easily she seems to understand and read me. She has always been there for me, and never judges me. That is the reason she's the only person who knows of my feelings for Phineas.

As time passes on, I'm becoming increasingly light-headed and groggy. Soon after, I notice a sudden silence. I look up; our eyes meet. Her brow knits in concern. She purses her lips for a moment and I can feel her trying to read me, as if she were x-raying me with her mind.

"Let's step outside."

It wasn't exactly a question, so I simply follow as she pushes past the doors of the cafe. As she reaches her black Lamborghini, she calls, "Passenger's side" as she climbs into the drivers seat. As I mimic her movements, she lets down the windows. After a moment, I turn to inquire as to why we're just sitting in her car only to find a pack of cigarettes shoved in my face. She knows Phineas disapproves and hates the smell, but she knows they relax me. I bet she can tell I'm not quite myself today. I pull one out of the box, offering a sincerely appreciative grin as she passes the lighter.

"Tell me what's bothering you."

She was reading me, then. And she could tell something was up. I sigh, exhaling smoke, unsure of if I should be glad or upset that someone other than Phineas could sense my emotions that well.

"Phineas." I reply, taking a long hit as if filling my lungs with nicotine could make me quit my Phineas-addiction.

"You two had a fight, I take it. He didn't find out, did he?"

I shake my head, close my eyes, and take another hit. Exhaling, I explain, "I moved out."

She gasps lightly, placing a hand of well-polished black nails on my shoulder. I flick the cigarette out the window and she removes her consoling gesture to fetch me another fag. It's silent for a moment, until she speaks again.

"Well, good for you, Ferb. You can't keep letting this eat at you. You can't keep suffering because of Phineas." She moves towards me again, this time to wrap an arm around both of my shoulders in a half-hug. "He has no control over you! It's time for you to move on."

I try to absorb those words. She's right.. I _know_ she's right. Nothing good could ever come from this. I take another drag of my cigarette and forcefully lean my head back against the seat as I exhale.

The smoke isn't the reason why there's a lump in my throat or why my eyes are stinging.

After a while, "You know what you need?" I can hear the grin in Vanessa's voice.

"No." My voice wavers more than I'd hoped. However I can't help but to read deeper into the question; _I don't know what I need anymore._

"You need a party. How about having one at your new place? It's the perfect thing to get Ferb Fletcher's groove back."

My eyelids snapped open, but before I could pin her with a look of shear reluctance, she had started the car and we were on the road. I hold my tongue, feeling so very dazed and confused at the moment. I decide to take the path of least resistance, a path which apparently leads me to a liquor store.

I sigh once again, this time in utter defeat, thinking, _"Hell, I'm to the point where I'd almost do anything to just... just forget."_

_-  
"This arrow that's reached my heart  
Feels like a part of my body now  
Even though it hurts to death  
I can't remove you, who's stuck in my heart  
Because it's love  
Because for me, it's love"_

**A/N: Basically the story's main idea is Ferb struggling to figure out if he should put himself first or put Phineas first. In this chapter he's come to a point where he cannot decide, so he has made himself believe that Phineas would just be happier without him. Ferb is just very confused and upset at this point- and shit's about to get so much worse before it gets better~**

**Reviews are welcome and appreciated.**


	4. Crooked Angel

**A/N: The first song is "Crooked" by G-Dragon. The last song is "Angel" by Teen Top.  
Ferb's POV**

**Crooked/Angel  
**_"I used to believe in you  
__alone and I was happy  
__But like a joke, I am left alone  
__You used to promise me  
__with your pinky finger_

_But in the end  
__Nothing ever lasts forever  
__In the end, you changed  
__There is no reason,  
__no sincerity. Take away  
__such a thing as love  
__**Tonight, I'll be crooked**"_

I find myself standing in the doorway of my flat with four bags of liquor and a carton of cigarettes as Vanessa pecks me on the cheek and waves, "Call me when the party starts!" as she turns to leave. I watch her go with an empty gaze before closing the door and setting the bags down in my desolate living room. Party? Who does she expect me to invite? Buford, Baljeet, Isabella? Those are Phineas's friends mostly. It's not like I have friends of my own from college. Phineas was my world. No, he still is.

I pull a large bottle from one of the bags and pop it open. It was strong and burnt going down but I found the heat and slight pain soothing. I took a few more swings.

If Phineas is better off without me, my "friends" probably are too. Just as long as he's happy... that'll be enough for me, won't it? Half the bottle's gone already.

What else am I suppose to do? I'm hurting so much. I hurt when I'm with him but I hurt when we're apart. It's driving me crazy. The bottle's empty and I'm nursing another.

I can't confess to Phineas, and even if I did, he won't feel the same way. It's too ridiculous. I'm crazy. I have to be. And I can't put myself first; I just can't move on.

I'm feeling the booze get to me now and I'm getting angry. I'm angry at Phineas for leading me on. It's like he wanted to put this all on me. What was I? A joke? Or some kind of toy for him to just play with and then toss away? What kind of game was he playing? I'm pacing the room now, still drinking, still coming undone.

Mostly, I'm angry at myself for being this way. I feel foolish for ever believing he was sincere. I let him use me like a whore. I feel filthy. I must be so disgusting. I've always been just a side-kick, doing whatever he asked of me. Somewhere along the way, we drifted further apart. Now I'm the one left alone, broken, and so useless.

I glare at my reflection each time I pass the near full-length mirror. _'Phineas, I'm nothing without you.'_

My mind's growing fuzzy. I can't think straight, not that I could all that well before. All I feel now is hate, which would be refreshing from the constant depression I had been feeling if all the hate weren't directed at myself. I suddenly kick my coffee table over, sending it flying. Liking the release, I go about destroying anything else in my way, knocking over furniture, I'm out of control. I throw my what- 3rd? 4th? bottle at the wall watching it shatter on impact.

And my fucking reflection! I can't stand the tears that I didn't even realize I was shedding. Tears of frustration, anger, and loss. I've ruined our past together and our future and I hate myself for it. I loathe the image of my face, so wild and raw. I throw my fist at the mirror with all the power and grace I can muster in my drunken state. I see the shards sticking out of my hand and see the blood but I feel nothing. I feel nothing. _Finally_ my rage dies down and _finally_ I just feel... nothing.

_"Leave me alone_  
_I was alone anyway_  
_I have no one, everything_  
_is meaningless. Take away the_  
_sugar-coated comfort_  
_Tonight, I'll be crooked"_

Three days later, I'm lying in the floor, still wallowing in self-pity in the dark and wrapped in my destruction like a cocoon. There's a cigarette in my injured hand (that I've done nothing to help) and my arm rests over my closed eyes. In the other hand is a bottle. My breathing is slow but labored, like a heavy weight is resting on my chest. I can't find peace, even in this moment of what should be relaxation. I take a drag from my cigarette and place my arm over my closed lids once again.

There's a knock at my door. I figure it's an angry Vanessa, which I would greatly prefer to avoid. I ignore it, until the knocks become more urgent.

"Ferb?"

Phineas? What's he doing here. I have no desire for him to see me in this state but I can't find the willpower to move.

"Ferb, you said you'd call. What's going on?" I hear the knob turning and the door opening. "It reeks in here of- Oh my gosh Ferb! What the hell happened here?! Did someone break in?" After a few moments, I slowly shake my head. "You're hurt!" I hear him rush over to kneel beside me, pull my cigarette from my bloodied hand, and turning my hand over to inspect it. My eyes remain closed but the light from the window is still painful.

"Hold on a second.." I feel him leave my side headed towards the bathroom only to return moments later. I flinch as he begins to pull tiny pieces of glass from my flesh, followed by some spray that stung, and wrapping my hand in gauze. It's silent for a long time, even after he's done doctoring me. My eyes only peek open with interest as he leans over to take the bottle out of my other hand.

"Sit up" he commands as he helps pull me to a sitting position. My head swims so I grab it and let out a little groan. I feel dizzy, awkward, and confused.

"Do you want to tell me what the fuck's going on now?" I wince at the language, or maybe at the fact that he's truly pissed.

Feeling more talkative with liquor still running through my veins, I reply, "Nothing, I just got a little out of control, that's all."

"That's not what I mean and you know it. What's going on with you lately? You've been acting crazy."

I become defiant. "So me moving out is acting "crazy"?"

He looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Out of character, yes, but I mean this. You never loose it like this, Ferb. Something is wrong. Something's eating you up inside and it's killing me not knowing what or why."

Killing _you_? Ha. I feel a burst of confidence and I stand up quickly. Too quickly, as my head spins, but I don't let it show. I cross over to the window, used to the headache-inducing light by now to stare outside.

"You want to know what's wrong with me? You want to see what a horrible monster I've become? Fine. I love you, Phineas."

I hear him stand as well then place an arm on my shoulder. Quietly, as if he'll scare me away, he replies, "I love you too, Ferb."

"_No._" I shrug his hand off my shoulder. "I mean I'm_ in_ love with you, Phineas. Doesn't that repulse you?"

"No. But this probably will." I can't inquire as to what he meant before his lips were on mine, soft and simple. When he pulls away he confirms, "Yep, you taste like vomit, cigarettes, and booze." I'm frozen, confused. He should be running away not kissing me. Phineas notices my confusion before punching my lightly in the arm. "This is what's been torturing you? Why you've been so upset and distant?" I look away from those bright sapphire orbs as an answer. But I see his shoulders quivering slightly out of the corner of my eyes. I turn back to find tears in said orbs.

"If only I'd had the courage before.. I'm so sorry I put you through this hell, Ferb. It's all my fault.." Before I can disagree, he wraps his arms around me and buries his face in my chest.

"I'm in love with you, too, Ferb."

I swear time freezes. This doesn't make sense. He can't be serious. It's just too hard to believe. All I could collect to say is "But what about all those times we..."

"...had sex?" Phineas finishes my sentence. Perhaps he sensed I couldn't complete it. I simply nod, shocked at how bluntly he stated it. "I just want to be closer to you, Ferb. As close as two people can be. Those times meant everything to me. I thought you didn't feel the same, that's why you left. I thought you were tired of me."

I pull him closer. All this time I thought I was doing him a favor by leaving, but really I was just hurting the person I love most. I had convinced myself that all was lost and I'd never even be by his side again. I had resigned to live without him, even if I can't really consider that living at all. I wasn't sure how to be happy anymore but Phineas is quickly reminding me.

"I could never be tired of you, Phineas. I just couldn't handle the idea that you could never love me back."

He doesn't say anything, just nuzzles his face deeper and inhales deeply. I do the same to the soft auburn hair that tickles my nose as I repeatedly run my fingers through it. This embrace is different from all our previous ones. This time there is no shame or guilt, I feel like I belong right where I am. Howerver, after a while of simply holding each other my doubts return to me. "What are we thinking. We're step brothers. This is impossible."

He looks up at me with those fiery "I know what we're going to do today" eyes and says, "Nothing is impossible. We're Phineas and Ferb. We can do anything."

And just like that, he has me convinced.

Not caring how I taste, I smash our lips together, nibbling on his bottom lip until our tongues dance together. This time I know he means it. This time, I know it's forever.

_"I will always give you my smile_  
_I will make you the happiest person_  
_That anyone else could be_  
_I start everyday while thinking of you_  
_My smile stays still all the time_  
_I'm happy, what to do_  
_In the end of this tiring day_  
_You will always stay by my side_  
_I'm feeling thankful everyday, and you become my power_  
_I promise to stay by your side. I will not change_  
_Even if time passes. I love you, I'll protect you"  
**-"Angel"**_

**A/N: This fic went untouched for nearly 4 years and I lost inspiration so I wrapped things up quickly. Sorry if it sucked :/ The End.**


End file.
